Communication... a desire to be known?

I'm havin' a thought: our desire to communicate reflects a desire for intimacy/love/to be known.

I base this "profound" thought on two characters in my life, Boy 1 and Boy 2.

Let me start with Boy 2... he doesn't really speak identifiable words (other than 'jet ski', 'ball' and 'down'). But he certainly communicates what he wants. Today he wanted to play with train tracks. He called me to him, charged down the hallway purposefully, went to the bin of train tracks, vocalizing the whole time. I didn't entirely understand what he wanted initially, but as he continued his chatter and acting out what he wanted, it became clear that he wanted me to carry the trains out to the coffee table and there build him a track to with which to play. Later, his sister started removing toys from his possession. He made clear in no uncertain terms that he did not approve of this behavior. When he fell, he could only point to the injured body part but also came in for hugs. He wanted his world, his desires, to be known.

Boy 1 comes from another world. It is said frequently that children that experience deprivation early on (whether it be emotional or physical) only live to keep the primal needs alive. We don't entirely know what Boy 1 experienced early on, certainly deprivations, but the extent is unclear. But from the time we brought him into our lives, it was clear he wanted nothing to do with ours. It really is only from a place of security that we love and desire intimacy. He did not feel secure, he felt scared. All he wanted to do was protect himself, from feeling hunger, starvation, from feeling rejected or worthless. He did not want to communicate. AT. ALL. His form of self protection was shutting down, not letting anyone in. Even when there was a potential language barrier he did not attempt to communicate with gestures or vocalizations. He was silent. When he did gain the ability to communicate in his new language he often would only answer what he thought we wanted to hear, by obfuscating his response or by simply not answering at all. He was guarding his heart from being known, from having us truly know what pained him, frightened him, gave him pleasure, gave him confidence.

Boy 2 is not yet the age Boy 1 was when he entered our lives. If nothing else, it has made clear the bonding, the nurture, the confidence, the strength that is given out each day in normal parenting before the age of two. Painfully clear because when these things are absent the damage is so very great and the hurdles a small child must overcome are huge. Among them, the desire to reveal a little part of yourself each day. Become vulnerable to those closest to you, be known. Communicate.

God's perfect adption

Over the past year, but more specifically the past 6 months, I have had quite the opportunity to reflect on our adoption by God, learning how amazing God's love is for us.

We adopted Adisu in August and brought him home in November of 2009. So he has lived with us as his parents for 6 months. In one sense he acknowledges us as his parents. He calls us "mommy" and "daddy". But in another sense he is not securely attached (to use the technical term) to us. He is still waiting, keeping his options open.

In other words, he doesn't fully accept us as his parents. He doesn't desire and long for us as his parents. He hasn't let himself fully explore the wonders of having a family and being a fully communing member of our family. He sort of stays on the edges. He does what it takes to get what he feels his needs are, but fully yielding... letting himself be vulnerable to love, no not yet. He likes to try to exert control over us. He wants to do things his way and show that he doesn't really need us. We are teaching him that in fact, all good things basic to life come from (or through) us, because we are his parents. We are teaching him that is fun to be part of a family. From six months ago, I think we have made considerable progress, but we're not fully attached yet.

I freely admit that we have made mistakes in our teaching him these things. We are learning. So is he. And so through adopting him I see myself as a child adopted by God, unwilling to fully trust Him. And I see how utterly amazing God's grace is, in that while I resist, I want to do things my way, he still loves me. I can be utterly obnoxious and he may discipline me, but he does not send me back to where I came from. He longs for the day when I truly live and act like a part of his family; when I desire that intimacy rather than am frightened by it. No matter how many times I run away, he is ready to forgive.

I look at Adisu and I see myself in so, so many ways. I look at God as my father and I see how much I have been given as his child. I look at myself as Adisu's mother and see how far I have to go in showing God's love to him. I look at God as my adoptive father and see his grace.

I fear I'm not expressing this very cogently. But trust me, it is an amazing thing to ponder, especially when you have a current example in your life.

thought for the weeks

"It is not only wrong to worry, it is infidelity, because worrying means that we do not think God can look after the practical details of our lives."--Oswald Chambers

The Beauty of Adoption

Adoption has been on my mind a little bit recently. So has pregnancy, and doing them both simultaneously has given a chance to reflect on something: adoption brings people together. I'm sure you're stunned by my profundity. But let me explain.

Although I do believe getting pregnant is pretty amazing given all the odds against it, there is a certain ordinary-ness to it. People are happy for you, excited at the new life, but it normally doesn't bring communities together. With our adoption experience, we went in pretty much only knowing that this was what God would have us do. We certainly didn't know how we would afford it. Our agency walked us through each step very nicely, but that doesn't pay the bills. We figured we would apply for grants after taking out a personal loan. And we got rejected for each and every one of them. We could either get bitter about it, despair for how we would pay for everything and mistrust God, or we could simply accept that, affirm our trust in God, his timing and his ways. He provided in AMAZING ways. Ways we did not expect. People gave that we totally did not think (or expect) to help out have incredibly generously. Friends and family.

But also, our church. We have not been members for even a year at our church. We did not want to go begging for money, but somebody (the senior pastor) told us to ask about it. Well we were still holding out hope on the more anonymous-and-therefore-less-humbling grants option, but we decided to inquire anyway. The church did not know that we did not get any of the grants we applied to. But they did know our estimated costs of adoption and, (the humbling part) our budget. The leaders opened up to the congregation the opportunity to help pay for our travel. We have been immensely blessed.

Wonderful as that is, even more encouraging has been the fact that now that people know about our adoption, they are praying for us. They have asked us how it is going. There was even one mother who saw me at Costco and stopped to pray right there with me. People have given generously for the fost home that Adisu is living in now. Those children living there now, and many subsequent ones will be well clothed because my Bible Study provided two duffel bags FULL of clothes for the kids.

But what I think is the best part of it all is, that people in the church know the church is serious when it says it support life. Children who were in the service are hearing about adoption, seeing people who actually go through it. And other couples are considering it to. I know God doesn't call everyone to adopt, but he does call us all to take care of the orphans. I love the fact that our church, friends and family have all participated in that call, not just for Adisu, but also for other children too.

Ash

Yesterday was a miserable day for both Eirena and me. She was still stick, so we made a Dr.'s appointment. An hour later we were done, except that they had promised to "bring out in just a couple minutes" the letter from the doctor for the dossier. A couple of minutes later apparently actually means 60 minutes in the time warp that is a doctor's office. Finally I got the letters. Now I needed to go the pharmacy to pick up the meds. More waiting (with a sick child).

I also had hoped to go grocery shopping for 'double ad Wednesday'. By this time we were closer to the grocery store than we were to home, so I figured it would be more economical to just go to the store rather than drive back home and then head out later in the afternoon. Well 'double ad Wednesday' is just madness. Madness, madness, madness. From circling the parking lot twice looking for a parking spot to waiting 30 minutes for the meat to be brought out (because the deal was so good people were stocking up and they couldn't keep up with the customers).

I was totally stressed out trying to get all the things done and keep Eirena happy and tend to her needs. At various times I wanted to snarl at people or just have a break down, but I didn't. One thing that helped was seeing people everywhere with ashes on their foreheads. What an excellent reminder it was to me that even when I was feeling rotten, I still need to be salt and light in the world. I may not have been walking around with ash on my forehead, but my life should be as obvious to others as if I did. Not just on Ash Wednesday, but everyday.

Mysterious Ways

I truly believe God wants us to go on this adoption journey. There are too many reasons why we shouldn't be doing it- if we looking from an earthly perspective. It is so easy to get overwhelmed by the details. Through it I keep reminding myself that if this truly is God's will, as I believe it is, he will open doors.

Probably the biggest "trusting point" with the adoption is, "where on earth is the money going to come from?" (The answer... it isn't going to come from earth, really.) I know God will provide us with the money, if he wants us to bring home a child. But it is so hard to FULLY believe that to be true. Or perhaps it is just letting go of the controls and REALLY letting God display his mysterious ways.

Allow me to be more specific: we don't have the money for the adoption. I researched and researched places to apply for grants (usually Christian organizations) that help people adopt. Well after culling through all grants, to ones that fit our specific situations, I started writing letters and applying. I wrote to one, the letter was sent back "undeliverable, no forwarding address". I wasn't too surprised because there was not a lot of information on that particular organization. A while later, I was applying for another grant. I needed a question answered, so I emailed them (after looking extensively at their website and application materials). Their response: we're not accepting applications at this time, please try back later. Another one down. I did more research and found a new grant organization I hadn't seen before. I got all the application materials together. I mailed in the application. Yesterday I got a letter back. "Undeliverable, no forwarding address". Just to quadruple check the address, I went to this organization's website, the address was correct (for what they listed), but between the time I applied and today (about 2 weeks) they updated their website to say they are not accepting applications at this time. That doesn't leave us with a whole lot of other places to apply.

Part of me is very frustrated. Part of me realizes that if God wants this to happen, he WILL provide the money. He doesn't have to do it in the ways I think it would happen. He doesn't have to do it in the ways other people think it should happen. I need to focus on not just saying I trust he will provide, but letting go of the control I feel I should have over the process.

Divorce

So if you're not in the mood for deeper thoughts, pass on this post.

We all know people who have been divorced. My thoughts at this point are more about what happens after the divorce. Specifically there are two scenarios which I am thinking about.
1) You divorced and remarried before becoming a follower of Christ.
2) You married, divorced, remarried while following Christ.

I was reading Matthew the other night, when Jesus is questioned about divorce. In the NIV, this is what it says, "I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery."

It would seem from this translation, that Jesus isn't saying that adultery is committed when you divorce, but when one remarries. Or is only when marital unfaithfulness hasn't been the cause of divorce?
(What about plain out lying about who you are? Is a pornography addiction considered unfaithfulness? What about extreme sickness? Spousal abuse?)

I know many godly people who have remarried after a divorce. What is the correct response? Do you just say, "well it is all in their past" and move on? Or is the new marriage basically considered living as unmarried? And what if the divorce WAS because of unfaithfulness? Does that just clear the slate for the non-offending spouse?

Obviously the ideal is to have a marriage work out, but realistically, that just isn't happening in the Church. So how should a Christian respond to this situation? (I mean with some sins, there is confession, repentance and "go and sin no more"... but if you remarried-first, is it a sin? and then, well, you're still to remain married, right?)

I think anyone who reads this blog (all 5 of you!) comes from different backgrounds so it would be interesting to hear each of your perspectives. If you don't want to share in the comments, feel free to email me- I'd still like to hear your thoughts.

Playgroups, Toys, Stay At Home Kid

In an effort to get to know some more people here, and to help Eirena be more socialized with little people, I took her to a playgroup our church has on Fridays. Normally the playgroup meets at a park, but as the temperature was supposed to be barely 50, the leader of the group opened her house up.
Now I need to preface what I am about to say with the fact that this mom did not act pretentious or stuffy. I don't criticize her at all.
But... they had an awful lot of toys. They have two girls, one 3 and one 1 yr old. They had an entire play room of toys, from a toy kitchen complete with play food, to books and puzzles and a little "computer/video game" thing. They had the whole toy cleaning set, broom, mop, vacuum. And they had dress up stuff and a hall closet with toys they no longer used. And don't forget the chalk board, the magnetic board, the stuffed chairs with the girls' names embroidered on them and the little play table. And then we went upstairs to the elder daughter's room. In their she had a doll house that was probably about thigh-high on me, wood, painted, lots of cool stuff in there. And dolls (all the nasty Barbie and Barbie-esque ones) plus a few animals. And outside they had a few ride-on toys and 3 swings and a slide/playhouse.

I was overwhelmed. I think Eirena was too. She has never had so many toys- we simply can't afford it and even if we could, I doubt she would have that many. Part of me feels bad after such an experience, because I realize all the things Eirena doesn't have. And then part of me wonders, does she really need all of that? Well she seems fairly happy without it all. But then I wonder, does not having a doll house or a fun kitchen set mean that she is missing out on some part of imaginative play? (She does help me in the kitchen, but many things are off limits for her safety.) I don't want to get her cheap plastic toys just so that she has a lot of toys, but are there certain things that she really should have?

Related to this, Eirena is a stay-at-home-kid. She doesn't go to daycare. I have been asked how we spend our day. Well, we get up, have breakfast, she waits until I finished my coffee and then brings her books over. We read a couple of books and then get bathed and ready for the day. (This is while Dr. Daddy is gone. We are busy getting him ready for work in the morning otherwise.) We do our grocery shopping, go to Bible study or go to the library, etc. We have lunch. Eirena "naps". Sometimes she sleeps, sometimes (like today) she is busy telling stories to her "friends". She gets up from her nap, we snuggle, read a book, go running, go to the playground or come back home and she plays in the dirt. She then either helps me cook dinner or "reads" stories to herself. Or she lines all her "friends" up to go "riding on the train" (or bus). Or colors. Or does "cooking" outside. Or colors with chalk. Or gets into mischief. ~ You get the idea.

And I wonder, how is this shaping her life, her view of the world compared to a child that has tons of toys to occupy them, or a child that is in daycare?

trust and obey

It seems pretty clear that God cares about the "underdog". Not in a trample-the-victor type of way, but he cares about the poor, the widow, the orphan, the aliens in the land. He asks us as his people to care about them too.
I am part of a yahoo group for Christian adoptive parents. It is such an encouraging group, both in the way the people uplift each other, and the amazing stories of walls (of bureaucracy and stupidity) being broken down to give a child a home.
This past weekend Dr. Daddy and I were applying for grants for the adoption. We had to tally up the total projected cost- I still don't want to think about the fairly realistic number we came up with. Let's just say, its equivalent to about a year of graduate school, out of state tuition, no TA or RA-ship. Yeah. Gulp! I heard the number and immediately felt my spirit crash. I felt overwhelmed. How on earth would we come up with the money? (This isn't exactly the best time to be asking for grants!)
The next day I was reading messages from the yahoo group. One of the ladies, in response to someone else, said something that super poked me. This is what she said:

We pray for Him to show us His path. When He has given us an answer, we just
know....there is no doubt. Ohhhh Satan will work on you afterwards...was it
from God?Are you REALLY sure? Maybe it was just you, what you wanted. If you
had that moment of clarity with God then trust that the Spirit that resides
inside you recognized it and don't let Satan try to make you doubt. He's worked
on me the same way...trying to make me doubt the answer that God has given.
Sometimes, if you haven't had that moment of clarity the answer is just...wait.

It is hard for me to believe that we are spending (or will be soon) so much money when it is easier and cheaper to have a biological child. But God has pretty clearly shown us this is the route he wants us to take. It is so easy for Satan to use finances to make me doubt God's will. But then, God can easily use little reminders like someone posting on a yahoo group to affirm my trust in His will. I don't know where the money is coming from, but if this is what he wants, he will provide it.

Families

I just finished reading the book Attaching in Adoption by Deborah Gray. It was a very fascinating and incredibly depressing read. Gray, a clinical social worker, talks about how adopted kids often have stunted emotional growth because of lack of, loss, or interruptions in their attachment to their parental figure. She described many of the problems and gave a lot of suggestions for parents to work through them.
But she also described normal emotional development and attaching, something that often is taken for granted unless there is a problem. (Or unless you're currently dealing with separation anxiety and calm yourself by knowing that it is just a phase of growing up!) While many of her suggestions will probably be useful once Eirena's sibling joins our family, for now I am just thankful.
I am thankful for families, stable ones where many children can grow emotionally and be appropriately attached. I am thankful for resilient children that can learn to attach when they come to a forever home. I am thankful for parents that are willing to develop this in their child. But most of all, I am thankful for my family.
Because my upbringing was so blessed, I didn't really have to think about these issues (in a personal way). I was not the unwanted child of unaffected parents. I was not the 'oops' of teenagers. I was not born with alcohol or drugs in my bloodstream. My parents didn't give up on me. They were not too poor to care for me. It really isn't something to take for granted.

Wisdom from Dad

This is a poem my dad wrote for the church newsletter when he was pastor of a church. I was having one of "those" days today. I took a few moments to stop and read the Bible and pray. Then as I was mopping the floor this poem came to mind. What a great reminder that having a time to listen, reflect and respond to God is necessary!

Tomorrow I Dread

Alarm beeps at 6:30

I'll catch another 40

Now I'm late

Don't feel great

Gulp my breakfast

Bus roars past

Without stopping

Have to start walking

My boss glowers

My work towers

When it's time for lunch

I've got numbers to crunch

The afternoon drags

My colleague brags

His numbers are up

Mine are stuck

Dark outside

I'll catch a ride

Home's a mess

No place for rest

Kids are fussin'

Wife is naggin'

TV- boring stuff

I've had enough

I'm off to bed

Tomorrow I dread

Nothing new under the sun

Life's not much fun

I've got a confession

I'm a Christian

God comes calling

But I'm not listening

"God, I"ve got no time

But, hey- I'm doin' just fine"

I'm off to bed

Tomorrow I dread.

-Kenneth Waldock